


365; jjh

by arrowthroughtheheart



Category: NCT (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-24 14:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18166625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrowthroughtheheart/pseuds/arrowthroughtheheart
Summary: Why did you ask for 365 days? Is it because those are the only days you've got left to be with me?





	1. one.

It has been a while—if you think about it again. Days where he used to not exist in your life felt oddly strange; since he’s always all around you now, almost 24/7, nagging you about every little thing he could and would complain about. It’s just weird.

But if you would step back into the the darkness that your life was in—you’d see how bright of a light he really is, and what more can you do aside from being thankful that he existed?

* * *

 

Seoul, 14th February 2018.

There was not much you could do today, since your roommate is away for the day and she asked you to not leave since she has a cousin coming over and she feared that she won’t be at home soon enough; and that he’d never quit bringing up the problem if she ever did. She looked very guilty but very desperate—so what other option do you have other than being a genuinely good person, for once?

That’s right.

Nothing.

So you nodded at her request, chuckling a little bit when her eyes went wide and she bowed down with her hair almost touching the floor and her gratitude spilling out of her mouth with the high-pitched voice she has.

But you don’t know it’ll get this boring.

The world around you is turning around at such a slow rate that you might just fall asleep if you keep on looking at your own hands—writing urgently onto your delayed paper-work. Nothing new. You swore to yourself that you’ll never do these things any later than when they’re supposed to be finished, but when does that ever work out for you and your procrastinating-self? Simple answer.

Never.

The clock ticks; another one of the boring things you grew accustomed to everytime you have to do your work from home, and the slow and soft song playing in the background doesn’t help with the way your eyelids grew heavier and heavier, almost closing if not for that one, odd, sound.

A repeating sound, a not-so-noisy one but also loud enough to disturb you—who gave up on trying to write like a professional and leaned on your table. What is that noise?

And your head snapped up-right at the sudden realization. A knock on the door.

Your roommate would never knock on the door, but somebody who doesn’t have a key would—and you remembered your promise this morning.

Oddly enough, the thought of meeting someone’s cousin while you’re… indecent, to say the least—didn’t bother you as much anymore since you’re in a hurry. You almost tumbled down the fancy stairs of your front door when the knocking stopped right when you turn the door knob open.

“Hi! You must be my roommate’s friend—aren’t you?”

 

Seoul, 28th February 2018

It’s not like you’re bothered by the presence of a man in your everyday life, but he must be way too comfortable for his own good. You learned that your roommate’s name is Jung Jaehyun, and that he’s just staying over ‘for a while’.

Definitely not your description of a while since it’s been a few weeks, but who are you to judge.

That’s not supposed to be a question.

It’s also not like he’s a bad influence or anything—or that he’s bad in general. On the contrary, actually, Jaehyun’s a nice kid.

He actually went to live with his cousin for ‘the time being’ just because it’s way closer to his college than where he used to live; since he used to share an apartment with more or less—9 other people—if you’re not mistaken, since you just overheard their conversation while you were taking a dump a few days ago, and his cousin encouraged him to come live with her. And you. But it’s okay.

It’s not like she’s supposed to ask you first or anything—since you are her roommate; or housemate, whichever she chose to call you with. _Please, note the sarcasm._

But the one thing about Jaehyun being nice is just; he’s way too nice.

He’s like a soft ball of sunshine sometimes, always smiling and carrying your things around for you if he noticed that you’re in a situation you can’t help yourself out of—since according to him you look ‘tough enough but...there’s always room for me to help, right?.’

What does that even mean?

But this Jaehyun problem would never start if he's just  _acting nice._ Of course not. There's always going to be a lot more than anyone can explain about a certain Jung Jaehyun, and it all started at:

February 22nd, 2017.

You can’t describe how much unexplained anger rush over you when you saw the scene in front of your eyes. “Joy—what happened?” you lift your head to ask your roommate, trying to control the tone of your voice, trying to assure yourself that this is different. This is not like all the time the world had screw you over, this is a different scenario.  _He's an entirely different person._  

“Huh? Nothing, Jaehyun had a few drinks with his friends and now he’s passed out on the sofa. I’m about to go out to find some pills for him, would you mind waiting—” Joy sighs, shaking her head. “No, no, I’ve asked you for too much favor these last few weeks.”

“Hey, it’s okay. If… he needs medication then… you can go get it. I’ll watch over Jaehyun for you,” you nod, climbing to sit on top of the dining room’s chairs, staying as far away as possible from the said man.

“Really?” Joy squeals, almost clapping her hand before abruptly stopping, not wanting to wake up her cousin. She steps closer to your side softly before pulling you into a tight hug, smiling widely when she pulls away. “I’ll repay you for your kindness one day, I promise,” Joy walks away backwards, winking at you before she turns the door knob.

“Just make sure it’s food!”

Your loud statement echoes through the walls, and Jaehyun stirred in his sleep before one of his eyes crack open, both of his eyes searching through the room to—maybe—find out where he is.

They’re always this way, you think to yourself, taking a sip of orange juice from your refrigerator, an eye-roll finding its way to the surface in response to what Jaehyun was doing.

Scolding yourself from judging this nice kid just because you’ve had some nasty ‘past-experience’ you had, you decide to answer Jaehyun when he begins to mutter some slurred sentences while trying to count his own fingers.

“Don’t worry, Jaehyun,” you sit on the sofa next to him, the newspaper on your hand made its way to nudge his exposed ankle—the tiny blanket Joy left him not long enough to fit his entire body.

“You’re at home now, go back to sleep.” The way you use the word ‘home’ on that sentence about your home which he’s supposed to only live in ‘for a while’ made you twist your eyebrows in confusion.

Thinking that he’s not sober enough to hear what you’re complaining about, though, you whisper underneath your breath. “See?” a chuckle errupts from your chest, making your upper body shift closer to Jaehyun’s head. “You’ve been here long enough that my brain concluded that this is your home. Honestly? I don’t think it’s been that long, either. But I don’t know, you know? You’re just making me feel like I’m an 8th grade student trying to shy away from their crush.”

“I’m not even an 8th grade student and I don’t even have a crush! What is wrong with _you_ , honestly? No, no, what’s wrong with _me_? It’s tiring that I need to live a life like I’m avoiding a plague—which is really rude to say to your face since you’re not that bad; you’re not bad at all, actually. Why is this even driving me mad—I don’t understand-“

You cut off your rant to see Jaehyun, eyes wide and sitting straight with his fluffy hair standing up to all directions it could possibly be in, his eyelids still heavy with sleep but there’s a hint of seriousness in it that you can’t seem to understand.

_To be fair, you understand close to nothing about anything._

“Are you trying to say something, here?” he says finally, his right hand travelling up to his hair to try and fix it. He doesn’t sound annoyed; which is good for you since he wasn’t supposed to listen to any of that.

See, this problem  _literally_ began and ended with you. You shouldn’t have generalized all ‘drunk-people’ in the first place, because if you didn’t, Jaehyun would never have to listen to you rant about him. At all. And now he’s possibly offended.

“N-no, I was just talking about what goes on in my heart! Please don't be offended, none of that was me trying to kick you out, I promise.” _As if that was about to make it better?!_  

Your nose scrunch describes everything you need to know about how much you hate yourself after those chain of words tumbled out of your lips. Right now, you’re beginning to think that you’re even more drunk than Jaehyun is; even if you didn’t have any alcoholic drink to begin with.

“You mean I’m… in your heart?” Jaehyun frowns, trying to string your words together—but failing to do so, of course, since you yourself sounds like you’re not very sure about them.

“What? No, that’s ridiculous. How did you come up with that theory?” you snort. _Idiot_.

“I was awake throughout your whole ranting session, you know?” he says while fidgeting with his fingers after your eyes look straight through his when he said that.

“You don’t…”

 

The way too dramatic silence made you uncomfortable, but the way he took your attention back isn’t the most comfortable thing either.

“Love me, do you?”

 

 

If somebody told you; you’ve never been struck by a lightning, you’d call bullshit on them. How else would you know how it feels to be struck with a lightning if you've never experienced it before? And weirdly enough, you’re feeling the feeling right now, and there’s no turning back from the conversations that are about to occur.

But of course, you don’t know that.

“No! I mean—Jaehyun, we met like… 2 weeks ago, I’m not that easy,” you chuckle, trying to melt the iceberg of a tension that was building up by the second, wanting to run away as fast as you can but also not wanting to find Jaehyun throwing up before Joy returns without anyone watching over him.

A sigh was the only thing you need to hear from Jaehyun to give you the relieve you needed.

So he doesn’t care. Right?

“Good, then.”

You nod, chuckling at the way he’s still looking at you intently.  _Why is he still staring-_

 

.

 

“So can I ask for 365 days from your life where I can try and make you fall in love with me?”

.

.


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only you know how to read between the soft-hugs and warm cups of coffee, your pain might not be as great as it is now.

_Seoul, 15th December 2017._

The tiny clouds escaping your lips from your warm huffs of air made you frown, your hands quickly finding their way into your coat's side-pockets as you turn around, a pout decorating your face. "Can you hurry up just a little bit, Jaehyun? I'm freezing and it's all your fault," you begin spitting out your chain of words in a fast-pace, not stopping even one second to catch a breath since you're  _really,_ really, pissed off about having to stand outside in the snow like this while doing nothing.

"Stop, calm down," Jaehyun puts his hand over your shoulder, shoving you your warm cup of coffee, watching as the side of your lips turn up into a smile. "Who was wearing the world's biggest pout just a few seconds ago?" He teases, an eyebrow raised playfully. "Can you really blame me, though? I  _love_ coffee," you reply, taking a sip out of your cup, enjoying how the warmth and the familiar taste remind you of home; and every single thing you left behind.

"What did coffee do to you that I didn't do that made you love coffee more than you love  _me_?"

Jaehyun's question caught you off-guard. First of all, because it almost made no sense how complicated he was able to use his words in that one sentence. Second of all, what kind of question  _is_ that? Third of all, he thinks it's appropriate for him to just whip out that kind of question in the middle of this so-called 'date'?

"Excuse me?" You narrow your eyes, not sensing where this conversation is about to go.

"Let me guess," Jaehyun thinks to himself,  _clearly_ not hearing the confusion in your voice. "Coffee helps you to stay up longer?"

 _Oh, I don't like where_ this  _is going._

He looks back at you, looking up and down from your cup of coffee to your eyes, a small smirk resting on his face. "I can  _also_ help you stay up a little bit longer," and he ends it with a wink.

A wink.

You snort, pushing him away with your left hand before walking away from the coffee shop you both were standing outside of. "You're a child with a bunch of childish jokes, you know, Jung Jaehyun? Sometimes it just feels like I'm looking after you because Joy isn't present; but I actually don't know what I'm supposed to be doing."

Jaehyun chuckles, trying to catch up to you with a little step at a time.

"You want it to  _feel_ like something else-"

"Oh, for the love of god, just shut up!"

The silence felt good and peaceful for a few seconds, making you believe in a false sense of security that Jaehyun had dropped the topic of the conversation. Before he opens his mouth, of course.

"You're blushing, are you seeing yourself?"

"That's so mean-"

There's a cold and icy feeling that spreads on your shoulder as you turn around to eye what the man-baby is up to; and there's no explaining how you feel when you see him smile at you, both of his dimples showing and his eyes almost swallowed entirely into his skulls from smiling that wide. That's a warm smile on an icy day.

"You threw a snow at me, didn't you?" You ask, trying to hold back your own smile trying to break through from seeing how beautiful the man right in front of you is;  _right now in this moment,_ but you wish it won't just be in this moment. In times like this, you wish it was forever, and you'd question yourself for the foolish thinking.

_You met him a few months ago, you idiot._

Well.

Guess what.

You'll have to be thankful for that one night where his drunk ass proposed the idea of trying to make you fall in love with him within the next 365 days.

"I did not! You have no proof. Go finish your coffee."

.

Because what's the use of admitting your feelings when you won't ever  _show how you feel?_

 

 

_Seoul, 29th December 2017._

"Joy, I just want to visit him, that's all. Can you  _please_ give me his adress?" You fold both of your arms in front of your chest, watchin as your roommate pace around uncomfortably. "It's not like I mind, but-" Joy stops again, in the middle of her sentence, eyebrows knitting together in her own dilemma because of reasons you don't understand. "Actually, I do mind. It's not you, sweetheart, you're a sweet girl, and I trust you but; Jaehyun had made it very clear that he likes you," Joy stops pacing around, turning to look at you; who were trying to catch up on what she's trying to say.

"And he  _really_ likes you and- I just think showing up to his place uninvited will just make him develop even more hopes that will never come true, you know? And I'm not trying to say you  _have_ to return his feelings but- are you?" She stops, looking at you, unsure.

You've never seen Joy this nervous.

"Even if I don't return his feelings, Joy, he's been a nice friend to me this past few months, I have to at least be there for him when he's sick. Since you came by to visit him without telling  _me_ that you're going," you frown at her while accentuating the last few words. Joy sighs, she mutters a few things underneath her breath before looking back at you. "Fine. Just wait here for a few minutes, okay?"

"Minutes? If the adress is that long nevermind-"

"Just wait. I need to arrange a few things."

_Arrange? I didn't know Joy cares for how arranged things are._

"Mark. Just. Tell them his girlfriend's coming over! I don't know. Work it out. He'll be fine, I'm going to be there. Hurry."

 

.

 

The elevator music makes your heart beats in your chest even louder, and the only thing keeping you sane and still in curiosity is how tense Joy also looks beside you; and that made you fear for your life even more.

What if his parents are there?

Oh no.

What if it's not just another cold and what if this time it's serious and that's why Joy was trying to avoid telling you what it is?

Oh  _no._

_Ding._

The door slides open, and Joy snakes her left arm around you to guide you outside, to the fancy halls of an apartment that you've never been in before. The floors are covered by a red-velvety material, and there's a fancy looking lamp on every wall, about a few feet away from each other. The lamps are all dimmed and yellow-ish, and that made the atmosphere even fancier than you supposed it was going to be.

When you heard that Jaehyun found a place with his classmate; Mark Lee, who's also in college with him, you'd think of a more... normal place.

But then thinking about it again, if Jaehyun and Joy's family are related, the word non-fancy doesn't exist in their dictionary.

_Does it exist in anyone's, though? Non-fancy?_

"Here," Joy says, shortly, placing you in front of a large brown-door, the number 127 carved into the wood that made up the door, and the door-knob is almost as large as the palm of your hand, outlined with a black shiny paint and a little shimmer of;  _maybe_ gold? You don't know anymore, you've got too many things in your mind right now. You knock on the door anyways.

The nervous face of someone a little bit younger than you are pops out, his hair damp from showering and his glasses hanging low from the bridge of his nose. "Uh. Hi. Mark Lee, nice to meet you," he smiles, shaking your hand after making sure his is dry with the towel looping on his neck. "I'm Jaehyun's... friend; if he's happy he calls me so but if he's not, I don't really know who I am. Come in, he's, um," Mark squints to have a better look of the bright space behind their door. "In his room? Maybe. I don't know, just come and look."

You hesitated for a moment, looking in between Mark and Joy with an unsure smile.

"Oh, go on," Joy nudges you softly, encouraging you to walk further inside Mark and Jaehyun's place. "You were the one whining because you want to meet your boyfriend," she chuckles, stepping outside when she notices your cheeks turning red, but you begun to walk inside anyways.

"I'll be back in a bit," she nods to Mark, exchanging looks with the younger boy. " _Call me if anything goes wrong, okay._ "

 

"Jaehyun?" 

You opened the door to a dark room where the very familiar body is sleeping, blanket pulled up all the way to his chin and he's facing the other way, to the opened window where the sun is setting and the sky is on its way to fade into nothingness; into the darkness that is the night sky. There's still a few cars and motorcycles going here and there out there, though, the muffled sounds of car-honks and fish-sellers are still there, floating in the middle of the gloomy atmosphere.

Jaehyun is silently observing the city that never sleeps, his right hand waved you his greetings weakly as he blink lazily, making no effort to turn around to face away from the view of the setting sun.

His eye-bags are very apparent, his cheekbones are the most protruding they've ever been since the first time you saw him, and he looks pale. Deadly pale.

It seems like your words choked your own throat as you've tried to arrange what you were about to say but they all just flew out the window at the sight of him this way. "A-are you okay?" Is what you managed to pull out of your shaking vocal chords at the end.

_Stupid question._

"Yeah."

That. That's what you'll never be prepared enough to hear. A  _lie._

All of this... the very sick Jaehyun, the sun setting, the messy bedroom; which, to be fair, it looks like he just moved in a few minutes ago but he's probably very sick and that's why he hasn't arrange anything, the lack of emotion on the usually bright man, the hollow cheekbones, the eyebags, the dim-light from the crack of the opened bedroom door, the high temperature of his usually warm body. All of it, topped with a lie that anyone can notice.

It scares you.

You find yourself almost backing away from the tone of his voice, from how not-willing-to-live he looks like right now.

Who does it remind you of?

_Yourself._

"I- I brought you soup," you try again, this time not caring about the shakiness in how you sound, not bothering to try and put a smile on your face but instead; that usual dull and scared look you wear almost all the time, and you notice how that made Jaehyun shift on his bed.

"Why do you feel the need to visit me at a time like this?"

Silence. There's no answer to that, and you're not about to give an answer to any of it.

"Is that another question you're going to leave unanswered?" He continues, trying to dig something out of you. You don't understand.

A sigh escapes his lips, and you notice how he coughs a little bit after that, wincing in pain with every movement. "I don't get it," Jaehyun laughs, turning around to help himself into a sitting position. Even in the dark room, you can feel his eyes on you. "Everytime I try and do something to make you fall in love with me, you dodge it with your long-list of reasons. I can understand, if you'd at least give me reasons. But no," his right hand combs through his own hair. "You  _literally_ silence me with your silence. It feels bad, did you know that?"

By this time, your shaking hand is nothing compared to your beating heart, loud enough for your own eardrums to hear through your flushed skin.

"It feels bad knowing that I've done all I can, treating you the best I know how to," he looks up at you, and you can see a drop of tear running down his cheeks, "and I'm really sorry that  _this_ is the best I can do, I really am. But I've done all I can; and I promise you one year."

The sobs and hiccups are now too much for you to take as your knees gave out and you let yourself fall forward to the bed he's lying on, reaching forward to grab his shoulder and pull him into a hug.

"I'm sorry."

_"I'm sorry that I promised you 365 days and I've got only less than that to live."_

_._

His last few words were muffled up in his sobs and your shoulder he burried his head into, so your head snaps up when your brain finally processed what he meant by it.

"W-what?"

Jaehyun slowly backs away from your tight bear-hug, his eyes red and the tears still flowing from them, his jaw shaking a bit from all the pent-up frustration. 

"They told me that I won't last longer without medication."

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt like i told you it would be a mess but.  
> sEE it's not that badddd it's just lowkey sad:(  
> hh yes? no? meh.


	3. three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay. Oh please, stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll recommend a few songs that you can listen to bc i want you to get in the feels and i wrote this while listening to them, so:
> 
> I'll Remember -Day6  
> No Longer -NCT 127  
> Hug Me -South Club

_Seoul, January 14th 2018._

"Jaehyun!" You exclaim when you hear the sound of glass hitting the ceramic floor from the kitchen, trying to calm your heartbeat when you see him standing there, unharmed; with little tiny pieces of the now broken glass lying in between his feet. He groans, leaning against the kitchen's counter as he massages the bridge of his nose, dizzy from moving too fast trying to catch the glass when it fell down.

"It's okay, it's okay, honey, it's just glass," you pat the back of his shaking arms softly, smiling at him when he made an eye-contact with you as you try and pick up the pieces of the broken glass, wincing when a tiny piece cuts through your finger. "Are you okay?" Jaehyun inches closer, and your reflect is to stand up and hold your hand out to stop him from getting closer to any sharp thing that could make him  _bleed,_ and worse; never stop bleeding,

"Yeah, of course I'm okay, it's just a little cut," you say, holding up your pinky to show him the little spot where the blood forms, and with a gentle swipe with a tissue, you toss it away. You notice the way Jaehyun's eyes cast his usual gloomy look again, though, as he look down to see both of your hands, intertwined in the middle of both your long sweater sleeves and his; and this time a smile creeps up on his face.  _That's new._

He's still loosing weight at a very rapid pace, and that scares you from time to time, but Jaehyun has proven that he's healthy. Well,  _as healthy as a leukimia patient can be._ But he has been trying really hard to fight an illness that is really hard to fight; and the fact that he still does that and he manages to put a smile on his face  _and_ on everyone's face every now and then makes you happy.

"Now I have to wear the boring plastic cups that everyone in this hospital use," he jokes, lifting up his right hand that still has a firm hold on yours to poke your cheek. Weird. 

He looks so bony and pale but the warmth and strength he once had feels like they're still there, shoving you your warm coffee cups and throwing you snow-balls in a lonely winter night. Carrying your boxes for you when he sleeps in the next room. Cooking you and his cousin some eggs just because he's a good  _cook._ Arguing with you through closed doors just because you don't want to see him when he's drunk.  _He was never that drunk._

"You big baby," you shove both of your right hands back to him, poking on his bony cheek. "I'll buy you a new glass if you want to be special that bad," you laugh when he laughs, blinking away the tears building up in the corners of your eyes. You didn't do it successfully, though, as they run down to your cheeks and it made Jaehyun frown.

"Why are you crying, hm?"

He asks with a pout forming on his lips, and his thumb comes up to caress your cheeks. It stays there, the rest of his hand just framing your face as you continue with the Niagara Falls of tears, shaking your head in disagreement with your own emotions. "No, I'm not, I promise I'm not!" You exclaim, trying to hypnotize yourself into not crying, but everytime your eyes cleared out and you have a clear look of his face again; tired, worn out, and almost giving up, you can't help but cry.  _Again._

"You clearly are, love," he smiles, pecking the tip of your nose. "It's okay. You can tell me what's wrong?"

And the tilt of his head pushed you over.

"I don't want to think about it but I can't help it, Jaehyun. What would I do without you? Some days I just can't help but think about how much pain would come with just missing you and not being able to  _meet_ you ever again; in any kind of condition you are in. I don't care if I can see you and you'll just be sleeping on your bed, having to rest for a whole day after a therapy. I don't care, because... I'll still have the feeling that it's you, but if you're gone I'll just," you stop, taking in a deep breath.

"If you're gone, you're... not going to be here. Anymore."

The scent of hospital medications and fresh new blankets smelling exactly like them snap you back to reality, away from all the memories of Jaehyun smiling down at you, all the times where he'd hold your hand when you're freezing to death, all the times when he'd pout at you for not being there when he returns from therapy and all the times he'd asked you to stay.

_"Just stay until it's over, please? It's not going to be that long, I promise. I'll do everything right and go back as soon as I can just please... stay?"_

Jaehyun chuckles when you stopped, his smile still radiates the same old Jaehyun. Of course. He never changed.

"You know, this reminds me of that time when you thought I was drunk and you started ranting to me about  _me,_ " he finishes, his laugh errupting from his chest, making you sniffle and start smiling with him. "Were you actually not drunk that night?" You frown, remembering what Joy told you. 

"No. I was just very  _very_ weak for the first time in that year and I was in the middle of trying to find the way back to your house, but Joy found me passed out right on the front door and luckily I was still breathing. I was at the hospital that night, if you didn't know," he made you gasp, feeling betrayed of yourself for sleeping in when all of this happened. "Hospital?!"

"Mmhm," Jaehyun nods. "I went to the hospital after I told you that idea of me trying to make you love me for only 365 days," he smiles, shaking his head, disappointed.

"This is why they tell you that humans know nothing."

.

"I shouldn't have made that promise and you should've live without caring for a sick person and his complicated  _feelings_."

You frown, looking up and down at Jaehyun and his dramatic hand-movements. This man is on a mission to make you cry today and you're not about to let that happen for the hundredth time today.

You're going to spend the rest of Jaehyun's life loving him so that it will be all that he know and all he remember. You're not going to let his guilt tell you otherwise.

"No. I would never spend this one precious year any other way."

 

_Seoul, January 28th 2018._

**05:00 AM**

"Love," Jaehyun calls out to you, pulling his beanie over his head, looking out at the naked tree-trunks and the rising sun. You woke up a few moments ago on the hospital bed beside Jaehyun, squinting your eyes at the nurse dropping by to deliver the food way too early for your liking, but seeing that Jaehyun had already woken up and is looking outside longingly, you decided to wake up too; not wanting to leave him all alone for too long.

Now you're feeding him his breakfast, with his very slow swallowing and his need to gulp down a few gallons of water every 5 seconds; and now he's starting up a conversation.

"Yes, Jaehyun?"

"Can we walk outside today? To the park?" He raises his eyebrows, lifting up the side of his lips to decorate them with an unsure smile, and you turn your head outside to consider what you can do and  _not_ do. "But your mom told me you get cold very easily, Jaehyun, are you sure about this?" And you're met with a very eager nod from him, his eyes lighting up like fireworks you saw together in the night of the New Year.

Ah. The New Year.

This year starts with you finding out that Jaehyun might not last longer than a few months. You don't want to even start wondering what next year is going to be like.

Not without him.

"Please? It's been a while that we went outside. The last time was when we watched the fireworks in the New Year's Eve on the rooftop of that Cinema. It's 28th January now and I haven't been outside," he chuckles, finishing his jelly; that he claims to smell more like a crushed medicine, and you brought up to him the theory that there  _is_ in fact a crushed pill in it and now he eats it more diligently for some reason. "Okay, I mean, why not. But if I see you in any state of shivering, I'll drag you inside."

"Understood, ma'am."

* * *

 

**08:30 AM**

"Can we sit on the bench, please?"

The bench is still slightly frozen from the coldest winter it has ever experienced, but that doesn't stop the two of you from plopping right on them, leaning as you get as comfortable as you can on a freezing seat. It's not that warm yet, but today, out of nowhere, you can see the sparks of sun peeking from the gray cloud rolling on top of the earth's atmosphere, and you're glad that the little sparks of light is resting comfortably on top of Jaehyun's calm face.

You can no longer see his hair since he's hiding his lack of them in his beanie, but his eyelash is a bright shade of brown from the enhancement of the sun's colours; and his eyes look so calm that you wish you can steal a few hours back from the world to drown in them.

You don't know how much longer you have.

You're scared again. You don't know how much longer you have until this beautiful man that you grew to love will leave forever, when he will close his eyes without having to open them again to meet another day filled with pain and fight to stay alive; but that also means he will close his eyes without having to open them up ever again to see  _you._

When.

Can they please just tell you when? Oh, you don't want to ever hear the answer. You want to sing as loud as you can to drown out the answer, in hopes that if you don't hear them they will disappear. You don't want the answer to be known to the world. You don't want them.

What you want is time. Need. What you  _need_ is time. 

Time rolls on every second, every mili-second, and nothing anyone can ever do will stop time. 

Now, who's the real culprit here?

You feel like you want to hang on to the weak line keeping him in the brink of life and death, but you know by doing so you're just enhancing the chances of him crossing to the place where death is. What can you do? You just sit and watch. You just sit and watch as the person you love fight the fight most of us can't win.

This conclusion doesn't need a survey.

Because every one of us can just sit and  _watch._ Watch as our loved ones lose a battle they fought to death, watch as we can do nothing but whisper in their ears, "You've done well. We really really love you."

Watch as their eyes flutter to a close.

Especially when we had the chance to watch them open their eyes first thing in the morning, a smile on their face as they ruffle our hair when we made eye contact.

That chance would hurt us more, because we know.

We know now, that once their eyes flutter to a close this  _one_ time, they won't open them again. They won't open them at all.

 

And now we're drained in a pool of what if's and why did they leave?

And once again the ringing question in our head hums its deafening tone once more. 

Stay with me. Oh please, just stay with me. Don't close your eyes and leave me behind, for what else matters in this world once you stand on the other side from where I'm standing?

_Can you hear me?_

 

 

**01:27 PM**

The noise is deafening, and the one tone that could make you lose your mind doesn't stop beeping. The crowd of people outside, sobbing and wailing as a bunch of those white-coated doctors and nurses come running through the door, panic written all over their face as they push you away, out the door.

You took one last look at him, lying there calm and silent. He was Jung Jaehyun, and you were  _once_ the love of his life.

_"Thank you."_

 

 

**09:00 AM**

"Love, how long will it take for you to find a new person that you will love and live a happy life if I'm gone?" Jaehyun asked, his mouth morphing into a smile. You were hanging on to him like a koala, and he could never be more happy about the life he was living.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well," he begun again, sounding offended. "Because I want you to be happy, of course."

The sigh that came out of your lips made him cast his eyes down at you, an odd mixture of longing and emptiness rushed over him once he did so. "I'll be happy if I can spend my whole life loving you, Jung Jaehyun."

That moment was the moment where he knew you're going to be fine.

You're strong, and you believe in him, and in the strange thing everyone labeled as 'love'.

It's weird. He felt calm. Calm and confident, as if he's a superhero that was able to fly through space with you in his arms.

He knew he's nothing like that, though.

"Oh, my love," he laughed, the crinkle in his eyes made you smile, too. "You can only show you love me by being happy, understand?"

Silence.

It was like an unbreakable promise between the two of you, everytime someone was not able to say anything. It was always a comfortable silence.

"I love you."

And you will always be happy being drowned in the void of silence with him.

"I love you too, big baby."

* * *

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooft i personally ouch-ed a few times reading that but idk if you did HSHDHHSHSHSHSHDH   
> why am i so sad all the time this is a problem.  
> let me know if any of you enjoyed that!!!!!1!1!1!1!1!1!  
> <333

**Author's Note:**

> i know it's not angsty y e t but get ready bc a sis is a pro in very sad depressing things hAAAAAAAA.  
> but get ready.  
> not tissues since i'm not that great but just get ready for an attack.  
> +idk how to tag i'm-


End file.
